I have been both alone and lonely to tell the difference between them. I am ok with being alone. But being lonely? I am terrified to be that. And without her, I would have been exactly that. When I pray, I always thank GOD about how fortunate I am and how fulfilled He has made my life. I never ask GOD to grant me a wish. But on that day, I did exactly that. I never look up at the heaven and say “GOD, please give me…”. On that day, I did exactly that.
It was Sunday. Dr. Green and Dr. Roy saw that our unborn baby’s heartrate was falling every time she had contractions. Fetal distress, they call it. They decided to have an emergency C-section. We had read about it and prepared but I never thought it would come to that. The procedure involves literally cutting the stomach and getting the baby out. She was feeling the pressure. I am the emotional one and I was scared but could not show that. I was taking photos to distract myself more than her.
“Would you like to be in the room?”, Dr. Roy asked.
“Yes”. It was without a doubt. I wanted to hold her hand while she was in surgery.
They dressed us in PPEs and masks and headgears and I was told to wait in the room while they take her to the operation theatre and prepare her. They started rolling her bed out of our room. I saw her sticking her head up to give me a scared look. I assured her that I will be there with her in the operation theatre. 1 Obstetrician, 1 resident doctor, 4 resident nurses, 2 anesthetist, 1 pediatrician suddenly left the room with her. I walked behind the convoy at a distance. No one looked back.
That is when it happened. The thing I dont believe in. The thing I hate. The thing that I hadn’t done for 35 years. I looked up and told Him. I asked Him for His unwavering attention. I asked Him to watch over her. I went all-in. I wanted to encash all the brownie points that I had earned over the last 35 years. I asked Him to direct all my fortune to that small room. Every blessing. Every good thought that had come my way. I asked Him to grant me the wish of a successful surgery. Of her health. A tear did roll out as I stood there in front of the closed doors. That moment was one of those we do not forget. The time when we become so desperate that we do something that we wouldn’t imagine doing otherwise. These are also the moments when you actually are surprised by the unknown, unthinkable, unprecedented feeling of love. I never thought we were a couple that was “madly in love”. But this moment showed me that I was wrong.
It was a routine procedure for the doctors. I was in the room. She was on the bed. Sedated. With a curtain separating her body below her chest. I saw the wound. I saw the blood. I saw her and held her hand on this side of the curtain. I saw them pulling the baby out. I held him for the first time. This is when I did what I always do. Thank Him.